I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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