Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
