You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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