I want to walk on stilts...naked
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
