When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
