oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
