kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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