Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
