Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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