Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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