we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
