Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it hurts more in the daytime
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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