I think my fart just growled at me.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
