It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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