maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
