I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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