cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
