You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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