U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
