How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
