I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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