um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
