Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
