So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
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I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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