so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
