end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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