You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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