Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
