remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
