I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
