I think im going to throw up on grandma
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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