genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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