I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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