Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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