I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
