The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
