6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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