dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
