theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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