he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
