i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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