I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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