I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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