She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
