I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
