we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
