Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
