Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
