All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Never joke about your clitoris.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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