I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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