she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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