I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
