i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
