I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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