and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
